A life-long friend called me the other day and spoke about his family’s decision to leave the state of Washington, where they’d called home for over 2 decades. It seems they’d had enough. They’ve had enough of policies that make it harder for honest people to live and provide for their families, enough of political vitriol that separates neighbors and families while creating boogey-men out of anyone with a different opinion, and for them enough with new policies forcing them to make decisions about their children’s health. I totally understand. I’ve been in similar situations myself, as have countless people. Two thousand six was the moment for me. I’d had enough of California and moved to Dallas-Ft Worth Texas, where I’ve been ever since. So, I know about moving to a state far away first hand.
Now, I’m pretty sure that my friend and his wife aren’t card-carrying members of the Religious Right. They likely don’t have MAGA hats, and their TVs aren’t regularly tuned to Fox News. But they’ve had it. So, they’re loading up the Jalopy (a Tesla, actually) and heading off to someplace more freedom-y.
There’s a lot of places they could go, but likely to the somewhere through the Sun Belt or the South. In many of those states, there is less government and a whole lot more room. Heck, I’ve read that Texas could fit the entire world’s population inside it before it achieved a density greater than New York city. I read it on the Internet, so it’s probably myth.
But, if you are an expat thinking of a move to Texas most Texans will tell you the same thing, “Please don’t move here. We’re full.” I know this is true. I’ve said it myself. But OK, I’ll tell you a secret if you promise to keep it just between us…we aren’t really full. We’re just scared, and reasonably so. I had an experience last week that illustrates my point well, I think.
I was driving home from work, when nearing home, I came to a stop light behind a car with California plates. It was what we used to call in California a rice-rocket, maybe a Honda Civic or something similar. The exhaust had been modified and cold-air intake probably installed. It had been lowered, with custom wheels. It looked like a RC car on a skateboard, trying its best to make vroom-vroom noises. From the perch in my Ram I looked at it the way a rottweiler glances at a yippy chihuahua.
On the back were two bumper stickers. One was the driver identifying himself as someone who enjoyed a particular sex-act. It was only three words, and one of them is not a word I would want a child passing by to see. It was lewd, and I am not a person who blanches at R-rated content. At the time most of my thinking was that it was more unintentionally self-demeaning for the driver than anything else.
The other sticker which ran along the entire bottom bumper, was one advertising his Instagram channel. Apparently, if you liked the first bumper sticker then you should check out the pictures he posts regularly. I had a passing thought that people who are annoyed at his driving will easily find him later, but I’m not going to waste my time with that one.
It wasn’t the ridiculously customized import, the California plate, the inappropriate bumper sticker, or the other sticker that made me sure he labels himself an influencer, that made me bookmark the scene in my head. It was the whole package, and what it represents. It’s what that represents to me as an adopted Texan, and likely what it would mean to an Arizonan, Idahoan, Floridian (or insert any fly-over state here) that got my attention, and made me want to buy him a plane ticket back to California.
So, to help explain why you might hear a “Sorry, we’re full,” or struggle to deal with what it means to move out of one of the coastal states to one of those in the vast middle of the country, I’ve put together this small primer. I’m not aiming this at my friend in any way, or even anyone who I know at all. Also, I’m going to completely ignore any question of if and where you should move. I’m assuming that the decision has already been made, the security deposit has already been paid, and your bags are packed. So, here goes. This is what you should do, according to me, in detail and in order.
1 – Get rid of your California, Oregon, Washington, New York, etc. license plates.
You can hang them in your garage or put them under your bed. Just get new plates and register your car in your new state. It doesn’t matter if you have to camp out at a government building to do this. Just do it, and do it immediately! Driving around with out of state plates puts a target on your back. What those old plates represent to you might only be your laziness or inability to shuck out a few schillings after you’ve already spent a lot on a move. However, what it means to everyone else is “I’m not from here, and I’m not one of you,”
Lately (at least here in Texas), those new to the state will often get a “NEW DRIVER – Please be patient” bumper sticker. Much to the chagrin of Texans, and despite the sign at our border imploring people to “drive friendly, the Texas way,” this is very untrue. I’ve been to all 50 states now, and I’ve driven in most of them. I love living in Texas. It is a great state. It is also home to the worst drivers in America (outside of Miami). I know what you are thinking, fellow Texans. I’m sorry, but no, it is not out-of-state drivers. It’s us, but those bumper stickers identify you in the same way that a California plate would. Don’t do that.
2 – Don’t lie…but also don’t lead an introduction with “I’m not from here. I just moved here from_____.”
People will ask you as soon as your accent or vocabulary gives you away. As soon as you say “you guys” instead of “y’all” or tell someone to get on line instead of in line at the grocery store, people will know. Your next words should be, “But don’t worry. I’m not one of the bad ones.” I’d recommend saying this even if you are one of the bad ones. But more on that later.
3 – Try to fit in as much and as soon as possible.
For countless years, the news and entertainment media have been talking down to the vast middle of the country. Political candidates for national office have actually called the majority of the US, “fly-over states.” Can you imagine how demeaning that is? Perhaps you can’t. But to have your home referred to as irrelevant is insulting.
No one will be impressed that you come from New York or California. They won’t think that you are their superior. Believe it or not, they actually tend to look down on those states you are escaping, just as coastal elites have looked down on them. There are pretty good reasons for this, though.
First, while people on the coast tend to think of the middle states as backward and un-cosmopolitan, the opinion in the other direction is that the states on the coast are dangerous and threaten the very way of life that people enjoy. While people in cities on the coasts mostly ignore the rubes in a state like Alabama, many of those rubes secretly (or openly) hope that an earthquake or tsunami might sweep them away.
Secondly, there is a constant fear that people from these states will move in large groups out of these people’s republics and then turn the state that they are fleeing to into a carbon copy of where they came from. For instance, Texas has no income tax for a reason. Our legislature is in session for a few months every 2 years, only. We like it that way. Politicians can’t do too much damage when they aren’t even meeting. But in California, perpetually in-session politicians make pretty good salaries (about $130k) passing constant new laws. In Texas, we will gladly forgo state income tax in order to pay lawmakers about $7,000 and let them stay home most of the time. We don’t need more government programs that serve largely to enrich bureaucrats, and we’re happy to not pay them more money. Don’t feed that fear, irrational or not. Don’t be afraid either, but make it your home too as quickly as you can.
4 – Make a few friends locally.
Many years ago, this would be more of a given, but in this day and age, Grandma and Grandpa are just a Facetime away. If you are moving as a family unit, it will be really easy to only interact with each other. That is a terrible plan for your future. Success in a major move like that depends on you building relationships with people in that new place. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter if the weather is better, how much cheaper things are, or even that race rioters are now not actively looting your store, you’ll never be truly at home.
America (and every state in it) has been called a melting pot. That means that you retain the qualities that were instilled in the place that you came from, be it New York or Nepal. But, at the same time, you become part of what it means to be part of America. You might honor the festivals of your homeland, but fit into the new place. If you don’t have a desire to do that, then don’t move. That might sound harsh, but it if you live in a new place, show it respect.
The nice thing is, this is generally much easier than you fear it is. You’ll actually be surprised finding out how warm and welcoming some people are, especially in the South. But you probably need to be a bit intentional about it. Join a club, meet your neighbors, take walks with your dog and talk to people. In my neighborhood, we actually bring cookies to new people, spend time talking while standing in the street, have barbeques, and even visiting each other in the hospital. It’s different than I was used to before I escaped California, but it has become something I really treasure.
You might not be used to going to church, but I have found that to be the best place to meet new friends. They won’t force you to be baptized. Don’t worry. In fact, they will probably not even care if you don’t believe what they believe, but they will become people who quickly genuinely care about you.
5 – Get out of your comfort zone at least once a week.
There will be new foods, new festivals, new experiences, and new cultures all around you. All of us automatically think that things outside of our experience are weird. The problem is that those things are only weird to you, not to others necessarily. No, I’m not saying that you should take drugs, do something that you find immoral, or change your name to Eugene and walk the street in a pink mumu. But you will become a better person, discover new things, and learn more about the culture of where you are if you get a bit outside of what you are used it.
6 – Get lost once a month.
We all have smartphones and most of us travel with GPS in our pocket almost all of the time. I laugh when I’m driving with someone to a very familiar place and they turn on their Waze app to get there. “Dude, you know where Walmart is.”
GPS is great. You can’t get truly lost, so don’t worry about it. You aren’t going to make a wrong turn and end up in Uzbekistan. So, sometimes just go somewhere without a plan…no destination. You can play “Left, Right, or Straight ahead” with your spouse and see where you end up. The crazy thing is that you’ll discover new places that you would have never known about otherwise. Then your GPS will show you the most efficient way back home.
7 – Get to know at least one person who has very different opinions that you.
This one can be more difficult than many of the others. Unfortunately, one of the big problems in America is that many people dwell almost entirely within our own echo chambers. It’s getting pretty crazy. The stores you shop in, restaurants you dine at, and even the very news that you consume is different depending on your political beliefs, religion, race, etc.
This is a really bad thing, and even worse of a problem when you go to a new place. When you get to know people who are different than you, you realize that they have many of the same dreams for their life as you do. You likely assume certain things about them that aren’t true at all, but you’ll never find out the truth unless you get to know them.
I remember having a conversation with a teenager in Texas years ago. He asked me how I liked living here versus California. I told him that I loved it. I did miss certain things sometimes, like the beautiful mountains, and that Texas just didn’t have some of that beauty.
“What do you mean?” he said. “Texas is the most beautiful state in the country.”
“No, it isn’t by far.” I retorted. “How many states have you seen?”
“I’ve never been out of state.” He said proudly.
“Then how could you ever know that?”
“I don’t need to travel to any other state to know that. I’ve seen Texas!”
I laughed at his silly answer. I still do. You likely are laughing too, but his statement is no different than assuming certain thoughts about people with different points of view. Strive to be better than that.
8 – Realize that you may be wrong about the world.
OK, I said that the last point was hard, but this is way harder. The truth is that many people won’t even attempt this one, unfortunately. That is because people respond to others with beliefs that vary from theirs by using a thought process that is instinctual and dismissive. You do it. I do it. It’s almost unavoidable.
We tend to think that anyone with any different opinion than you is either misinformed, uneducted, or just plain evil. That idea is much easier for you and I to hold when there is more distance between you and the person you are opposing. Maybe it’s physical distance. People in New York can think bad things about us redneck Texans, just like Texans can despise those damned big city yankees in New York. It’s much more difficult to think of the people who live next door in the same way.
But that distance isn’t just geographic. There are the socio-economic differences between blue and white-collar types, Democrat and Republican, Buddhist and Hindu, and black and white. Increasingly, you even hear of people completely dismissed because of their race or sex. I’ve even heard nationally-known politicians tell someone their opinion doesn’t matter because they are a white man.
So, remember how we mentioned that people are wary of Californians, New Yorkers, etc. moving into their communities and changing things? People living in other states don’t want to be in a place where their values and opinions are looked down on. They tend to like their laws the way they are. They voted for their politicians. You might find an abortion law in Texas to be unpalatable, or a voting code in Georgia to be objectionable, but the majority of citizens in those states support that.
People in many states are legitimately afraid of having these things changed by people moving from the outside. It isn’t an unreasonable fear. People usually don’t change their preconceptions on the world when they move locations. If they flee from somewhere to another place, they are more likely to come up with a host of other reasons that are to blame for everything going downhill, rather than to take ownership of policy that led to those ultimate consequences.
That is why your Vermont license plates get sneers. But that doesn’t mean that the place you came from was all bad and the place you are moving to is all good. OK, so the socialist paradise that you are fleeing from was a little less utopian than you’d hoped, but the place you are moving to isn’t heaven on earth either.
There is a word for moving to a place and changing its culture and laws to be that of the home country or state. It is called colonialism. That word is highly out of favor now and mostly for good reason.
A city like Portland, Oregon, feels more foreign to me than many countries I’ve been to. But, you know what? Portland has the Multnoma Whiskey Library, which is one of the coolest places I’ve been to. Oregon is a beautiful state, and has some really good restaurants. Even if I feel out of place in Portland, there are countless redeeming qualities and some great people. However, I don’t want Texas to be like Portland. It is Texas, with Texas values and Texan culture.
You don’t need to abandon all of your politics at all. Just be willing to evaluate your own positions. It’s ok to say, “I have changed my mind.” Only a fool never changes his mind.
9. – Make a list of things you want to do and see.
After you’ve been to the new place for about 6 months, find ten things you want to do and see there. Write the list down and give it a title like, “Things I want to do in Arizona in the next year.” Then put the date. The timeline doesn’t have to be a year, but that is usually reasonable. The timeline should push you a bit. You will probably need to do some research, ask some locals, and add things as they come to you. When you’re done, put it on the fridge.
There is an interesting thing about lists like this. First, it will give you a goal of sorts, and drive you to do and see more things than you would otherwise. Here in Texas, I was talking to someone the other day in Dallas who told me that they’d never been to the Fort Worth Stockyards, a place where all tourists to this area seem to flock. I wasn’t incredulous because it is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, but that it would make any top 10 list of things to see if you are in DFW for a week, let alone a lifetime, and yet the person hadn’t even been there.
You’ll discover pretty places, tourist traps, quirky locals, and places you’ll never want to go to again. But after a while, you’ll know more about your new community than some locals will. You’ll also learn to appreciate it, maybe even love it, in a way that you never could before. You will have new experiences. You’ll make new friends, and you won’t be bored.
There’s another benefit that you can’t truly appreciate until afterwards. When you look back on that year (or whatever period of time you’ve set) and check off all the things you’ve done, you’ll start to feel a sense of accomplishment. You’ll enjoy the sense of discovery and you’ll feel that progress has been made. It’ll build a sense of pride for you…and for your new home.
10 – Become a tour guide
Now that you’ve made it through the other 9 difficult items, this one is kind of like the icing on the cake, and it’s actually far less difficult now that you’ve done all the rest. So don’t worry.
OK, I don’t mean that you need to become a professional, and ride busses with tourists from Sweden. But a thing destined to occur after you move, is eventually Grandma and Grandpa are going to visit, or maybe your childhood best friend, or your sisters. It doesn’t matter who it is, but it’s going to happen. They won’t know the place. They won’t have done their research. When I had my first friends from California visit, they kept asking why everyone wasn’t riding horses. All they knew about the place were stereotypes they’d heard about, but I wanted to show them how much I loved my new community.
A long time ago I went to Chicago, a city I’d never visited but always wanted to see. A friend’s roommate volunteered to give me a tour of the city. He drove me around to all the most famous places and he told me stories about the Great Chicago Fire, how it affected the architecture as it was rebuilt. He told me stories of the history of certain buildings and areas. He even knew the names of many of the iconic Chicago buildings and their architects. He told me a story about from over a century ago about how Chicago came to be called the windy city. Not only did he know the town well, but it was clear he had a deep appreciation and love for it. It was exactly like one of those expensive bus tours.
“So, how many generations of your family have lived here in the city?” I asked.
“Oh, I moved here about 8 years ago from another state.”
“Wait…I don’t know that I’ve ever met anyone who knows as much about their city as you know about Chicago. I thought you’d lived here all your life,” I told him.
“I just decided when I moved here that I wanted to learn everything I could about this place, and I found the more I learned about Chicago the more I loved it.”
So set a goal that when family or friends visit that you will be their tour guide. Then you can show them the best side of your new home, maybe dispel some of their preconceptions, and give them a glimpse of why you have discovered it to be a great place. You know what, if you plan to do that, by the time that they do come to visit you won’t have to think about what to tell them. Instead, it’ll be pouring out of you, because you will have fallen in love…and you’ll no longer be a stranger there, you’ll be at home.