Darkness and Butterflies

“…All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.  And I realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affections are for me.  Oh how He loves.” –John Mark McMillan

The other day I got into a fight with a butterfly.  No, it isn’t as silly a sight as it sounds…well not quite.  I was doing some evening gardening and had the garage door open.  When I went in to get a rake I noticed a beautiful butterfly fluttering around, trapped inside the garage.

Normally I wouldn’t think too much of this, and have from time to time even pinned butterflies. I am not some overly-indulgent animal lover.  But this time I felt a little bit of sadness for the poor creature.  To her, she was trapped in some inescapable cave.  I took pity on her.  I decided it was female, not because of some butterfly expertise, but because I simply cannot imagine a male butterfly, though I know they must actually exist.  So with the creature properly personified, I was committed to action.

I grabbed the ladder with the intent of reaching up to the ceiling and gently cupping her in my hand, then releasing her outside.  But just at the instant my plan was about to work, she deftly avoided my grasp in the way that only bugs and small children can.  This set off a several minute period of me moving the ladder and repeating the procedure repeatedly with utter futility.  The butterfly did not appreciate any of my efforts.

As I was pondering the absurdity of the situation and how terrifying this must be to the butterfly, I watched the butterfly frantically moving from ceiling to wall to ceiling and narrowly escaping multiple spider webs.  Convinced that I was beaten in the summer butterfly campaign of 2010, I surrendered and retreated to my house in defeat.

In the morning, the butterfly was far from the front of my mind as I opened the door to get in my car, and was surprised to see the butterfly sweep out of the door into the open air.  She fluttered about low to the ground above my flower bed, and then climbed into the sky with the semi-inebriated flight style that butterflies seem to enjoy.  I smiled.  She was free.

So many times, I feel like that butterfly.  I sit in situations, toxic and painful, sometimes afraid to move, and bumping around my panic, avoiding traps both real and imagined.  I desperately want to find the light, to feel free and supported by fresh air and freedom.  I long for hands, caring and immense, to carry me to such a place.

I believe in those hands.  I believe that God frantically climbs ladders and reaches for me, but it is often difficult to tell those loving hands from giants bent on my destruction.  I know he loves me.  I pray for the doors to open so I can sweep into the sky with a clumsy sense of freedom. But right now, I just feel small.  And maybe if I quiet myself enough and don’t focus on the walls, I can just feel His hands envelop me.

Hold me and carry me.  I long for your immense gentleness to surround me and take me where you will.  I miss those hands, and I fear you will give up and let me bump around my prison in the dark.  You promise to strengthen your people and give them peace (Psalm 29).  Carry me.  Let me fly again in your light.  -Ryan

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Thoughts from Taiwan -part 2

We came to Tainan after a very long trip through the island’s mid-section, waiting in long lines of traffic.  Tainan is in the southern section of Taiwan and Taipei, where a huge proportion of the people actually reside, is in the very northern tip.  While Tainan is one of the largest of the handful of cities in Taiwan, it is decidedly rural.  It was raining.

Peichi’s grandmother, spinster aunt, and unmarried uncle live among a clan community in one of the more…um…I guess “suburban” is the right word, parts of Tainan.  Life in all of Taiwan, and particularly the more traditional and rural areas is communal and clan oriented.  Traditionally, when a woman gets married she comes to live with the husband at his family home.  This almost always includes his parents and often some aunts and uncles.

To Western eyes this seems ridiculous.  On the whole it has both positives and negatives.  First, Taiwan (like almost all cultures I’ve witnessed) is a patriarchal/matriarchal society.  The Father typically does no work inside the house, but works a job to bring in money.  His after-work time is spent playing gambling games, chatting with the other men, drinking, and smoking.  The wife often does not hold an official outside job, but is responsible for the care and keeping of the home.  This means that she also by default makes most of the real decisions.  Men think they’re in charge, but the women really have more say.

Clan life brings with it a sense of community.  It also brings shared resources.  This cannot be overlooked.  Grandmothers and grandfathers can help take care of young children while their parents work.  Conversely, children can take care of their parents when they reach old age.  There is also a sense of history and life cycle that is shared in clan life that is missing and often leads to larger societal problems in much of Western culture.

On the other side, clan life lessens social mobility.  Children often forgo opportunities out of a sense of obligation to the elder relatives.  Money is also never kept for oneself or immediate family, but shared with the larger family, which mitigates much of the possible benefits of new wealth, particularly when it gets spread to those in the family who have little financial responsibility. Further, because of all of this, ambition is not generally seen as a positive trait, as it is in the West.

Whether positive or negative, clan life is central to every aspect of Tainanese culture.  Even houses are constructed around clan life.  Traditional Taiwanese houses were built as more of a complex, intended to house 4 or more family units within a single building.  Each compound was built in a C formation, with a big courtyard in the middle.  The courtyard existed as a family meeting place, the location for bathing, and an entryway into the main sections of the structure.  In the center of the building was the family idol, where the family worshipped both Taoist idols and their own ancestors.

These homes started falling out of fashion only about 20 years ago, when because of space restrictions, different buildings were built.  The new buildings still incorporate much of the same concepts as the old ones, but with each family unit dwelling on a different level of a multi-story structure.  Each floor has two or three bedrooms and a bathroom, and the ground level contains the kitchen and common areas.  Families still gather outside for fellowship.  The family altar is usually on the ground floor at the entrance, or on an enclosed roof patio.

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Some pictures from Taiwan

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Some Videos from Asia

Here are just some of the videos that Peichi and I made in Asia.  We made them mostly for our youth group in Texas.  I hope you enjoy watching even close to as much as we did making them.  Several places, crowds gathered as we made the videos and asked me afterward if I was someone famous.  Of course, I am.

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At YWAM – Day 3

I am writing this on Thursday, simply because Wednesday was way too full to post.

Yesterday was another amazing day.  I left the base in the early afternoon, so it doesn’t really count as a full ‘day’ but it was full nonetheless.  My morning started out with reading the Bible and prayer, but then I got to my guitar and decided to play some worship.  I played through songs as I randomly flipped through my music book.  I was having a pretty good time in worship.

I used to worship like that on my own quite often, especially after I got back from my first missionary tour.  I would sing and play through songs that I knew, and suddenly as I hit upon some random song that struck me, the Holy Spirit of God would just kind of pour over me.  My friend Harold says “The Spirit gushes out like a fountain.”  I guess that is the best way to describe it.

As I was worshiping on Wednesday morning I hit on an old hymn, “How Great Thou Art.”  I have never had hymns mean all that much to me, really.  I didn’t grow up with them all that much.  The third stanza says,

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

I couldn’t finish that last line.  I was on my knees, tears streaming down my cheeks, suddenly hit with the power of God’s Spirit, and the fact that God would go to the cross for me, for what I’ve done, for all my rebellion.  It isn’t fair.  As God sprang out of me like a fountain, I wept out of joy, out of sorrow, out of repentance, out of thankfulness, all at once.  I hadn’t felt that in quite a while.

After all of that, I remembered Harold, and that he had called me a few weeks ago, and asked me to call a friend of his who had been doing inner-city missions work.  So, I decided to call him.  We talked for quite a while.  He told me that he and his wife had met Harold because Harold had opened a door for them, and they struck up a conversation.  He was from the Seattle area.  Harold had made it a point to keep in touch and to regularly pray for he and his wife.

He told me that recently he had been out in Idaho at a parade for some special occasion (maybe it was Thanksgiving) and he looked at the guy next to him, and unbelievably it happened to be Harold!  He then paused and said, “You know, out of all of the men who have ever been anything like a mentor to me in my life, Harold has got to be in the top 5.”

All because he happened to be caught in Harold’s tractor beam as he opened a door.

I want to be like Harold some day when I grow up.  Harold is in his 80′s.  Harold should by all accounts be kickin’ it at some Sun City somewhere.  Instead, he takes every day and every meeting as a chance to really make a difference in someone’s life.  I think Harold is in my top 5 too.  He is my hero.

I spent time saying goodbyes to the Thorstads, and looking around the YWAM base one last time.  I’ll be back here, I prophesied.

I hope that no one misunderstands my purpose in writing this.  It could seem like I’m being really self-indulgent here, writing everything about myself and my week, like some Twittiot (my word) telling the world about his mid-afternoon snack.  That really isn’t my heart here at all.  I knew I would have some incredible experiences this week, and I want to chronicle it all for me, if no one else.  But maybe my experiences will find some way of blessing someone else.  In 1 Corinthians chapter 1, Paul mentions that God has chosen the weak and fooling things/people of this world in order that we could not boast in ourselves, but in God alone.  I have written this short blog series as a point to say, “I am one of those weak and foolish people.”  It is Jesus who this series is about.  It is He who made my week noteworthy.  My attempts to even describe it are largely in vain, but I would shame Him if I didn’t try my best.

And a little fun from Tuesday:

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At YWAM -Day 3

Today was a crazy full day, and fortunately I got enough sleep to survive it.  Now it wasn’t bad, it was amazing, but it was full.

The morning started out with me rolling around for 45 minutes simply because I could sleep in.  When I finally got some coffee going I started reading the Bible.  I have been really ruminating over Jesus statement in the gospels, and Paul’s reiteration in 1 Corinthians that communion symbolizes “a new covenant in my [Jesus] blood.”  In John chapter 6, Jesus says that his disciples are to drink his blood, and if they don’t they have no life in him.

But in Genesis, God commands man to not drink blood.  I really spent time thinking over this, and praying over it.  I was going to teach over the implications of a new covenant in Christ’s blood in view of the Abrahamic Covenant.  I needed to fully understand the implications of what Jesus was saying here.  I resolved that God would have to work it out with me through the day, as He often does stuff.

I then read through a little of Othodoxy by G.K. Chesterton.  He points out how the universe has a real order to it, but enough disorder to really make any reliance on the universal order a ridiculous pursuit.  He gives an illustration of how the human body has symmetry, with two arms and legs, and even a two-lobed brain.  But the body does not contain symmetry in all its organs (like the heart).  This has its point in that Christianity matches the sensed order of the world, but is just peculiar enough to match its idiosyncrasies.  Unfortunately, I am not as eloquent as Chesterton and am not doing his point justice.  I shall not bore you further with direct quotes.  But all of this stuck with me.

After this, I spent some time in worship alone in my room.  I hit on some songs that God really used to touch my heart.  Then I was ready for my lunch appointment.

I spoke twice today, to a group of Junior High students in school where I talked about Jesus new covenant, and to a youth group on the YWAM base.  There I spoke about how God wants them to orient their identity and their base of knowledge in Him.  I used 1 Corinthians 2 as my passage.  God has been really speaking to me through that this week.  It is going to be one of my theme verses in 2009.

Later tonight they had a worship service that they do annually called “Dwell.”  I attended and really felt that power of God.  God was really working in me there, as He has pretty dramatically this week.  It was kind of open mic, and one guy got pretty Pentacostal-ly, which I have less and less patience for.  If God is real and really moving, and there can be no doubt in a place like that He is, then there is no need to hype Him up.  He doesn’t need a “hype-man”.  But that didn’t take away from what God was doing for me too much.

I went forward for prayer, and a guy immediately came up and prayed for me in an incredible way.  I have never met him.  I never will see him again.  It didn’t matter.  After I left, I walked past a guy I’ve never met, and he shook my hand put a hand on my shoulder and smiled, and asked me how I was doing.  Chesterton came flooding back.  “These are weird people,” I thought.  And they are.  People don’t share these experiences with strangers.  People don’t put their hands on random strangers’ shoulders and smile either.  But then again, that is the right kind of weirdness that the world is crying out for.  We are a peculiar people, us Christians.  Normal is nothing I want.  I’d rather share these moments with strangers than be stoically stuck, looking cool.

Now I’m in my room for the last time.  I’m leaving tomorrow.  I’m thinking about my half-week, and eating Slim Jims.  Since I disconnected my fire alarm (long story—it doesn’t work—I’ll reconnect tomorrow), I thought about using this kerosene lamp that sits on the little writing desk, under the faded old still life desk picture, the type that seems to be in every older Christian place of prayer.  The kerosene seemed to be still good.  I had to jury-rig it though (pictures below), and it never did seem to function completely well.  I finally put it out, just to be on the safe side.

I’m buying an old writing desk, a faded still life picture, and a kerosene lamp soon, I’ve decided.  Every Christian needs one.  We are, after all, weird people.

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Matt’s Response

I left a challenge for Matt Crosslin in the comments of one of my recent blog series.  He has posted a response to my challenge on his blog at grandeped.wordpress.com.  Read it and join in on the convo.

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At YWAM – Day 2

Today started out really difficult, and ended up really sweet.  I really had a hard time dragging myself to prayer, and to be honest I didn’t feel like I got that much out of it.  I went back afterward to take a nap (which was great).

This afternoon I got to tour the base, meet a lot of awesome people, and see many of the amazing ministries that are packed into this little city.  I can’t believe how many world-changing ministries are right here almost within walking distance.  Part of teen challenge is here, one of the biggest YWAM bases, Mercy Ships, Teen Mania, Keith Green’s ministry was here, and probably some others I am forgetting.  YWAM’s facility here is huuuge.

Then I got to meet with Chad, Jeff, Jack, and Andy Adam who are a part of the SSL SST program.  For any Grace Revolution people who read this, you will get to know the SSL SST program very, very well.  It was an amazing plan of God to meet with these guys.  I hope he has a lot in store for this.  It is my great prayer that He does.

Just now my fire alarm started going off.  I have no idea why.  It wasn’t any other rooms, just mine.  I had just gotten out of the shower, and it must’ve been the heat.  Scotty ended up coming over here, and he happened to be one of the bigwigs in YWAM over church planting.  He is in charge of the church planting in a whole slew of South Asian countries.  We had a chance to talk and pray.  His good friend was there and he is a member of the Tyler Vineyard.

Here is some video from the day.

My apologies to Adam and SST for getting the names wrong.  I was pretty tired when I wrote that.

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At YWAM

I am spending part of this week at Youth With A Mission (YWAM) in Tyler, Texas. I was invited by The Thorstad family, who moved here to work with YWAM from our church. I am going to be blogging (both text and video) about my experience. As always, I blog for me, and any of you who’d like to come along are welcome to.

Yesterday was awesome. I got to spend some great time with Dean and Cecilia (and their girls) both hanging out and talking about things related to our relationships, both with people and with God. It was a great time.

But just as great was the worship service last night. Dr. Lee spoke. He is a Korean who is the Vice President at Mongolia University in (you guessed it) Mongolia.

This soft spoken man told many stories that were very powerful. One in particular told of how he was really seeking the Lord on what to do about a situation. He heard a sound like a terrible groaning and weeping. He said, “God, you are too great and powerful to weep, why would you do this?” (He said this in a raised accusatory fashion)

He heard the Lord’s answer, “Weep with me.” That was his answer. That is all God wanted him to do. Weep. If he could get the Lord’s heart for these people and their brokenness, then he would understand. It was very powerful to me.

The whole thing was really about following the will of God. He asked the question, which was very impacting to me, “Is there anything in your life which seems bigger than the will of God?” Hmmm. He also talked about how the American Church seems so fat and happy, and yet, we are often missing the true will of God. He told about a church in Indonesia that is praying 24/7 (literally) for revival in the American Church.

I was really left with the feeling that we (myself included) miss the will of God so often. We don’t see Him do powerful things because we are not truly looking, not truly seeking.

Here is some video from the day

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A Sermon I Preached in October

This definitely was not the best message I ever gave.  Some people said that it really impacted them, and it does mark an important part of my life.  If you have time, enjoy.  Maybe God will move in your heart.

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