I know that I might upset a few people with this one, but really when has that ever stopped me…
I have always been kind of a bah-humbug type when it comes to much of the Christmas festivities. I could do without most of it, and skip the entire month of December entirely. And I am not alone. Many people feel this way. We are all just afraid to say it. Why, you ask? It is because all of the Christmas Nazis out there will shame us as if we threatened all of existence by not liking the holiday.
Now, let me make myself clear. I love the idea of celebrating the birth of Christ. I like spending time with friends and family, and I have some fond memories from my childhood. I also do not wish to ruin other people’s joy in any way.
But that being said, there are a few things I need to get off my chest. Let’s call them my 12 Gripes of Christmas:
1. On the first gripe of Christmas, I will give to thee: Awful Christmas melodies.
Christmas music is terrible. There, I said it, and I won’t take it back. Yes, yes, there are some really good songs that are emotionally powerful, and some fun to sing. But the only reason that any of us enjoy most holiday songs at all is that we have heard them every single year for our entire lives…every year…for a month straight.
Think about that. If you imagine your five favorite songs of all time, would you really want to hear them every year for a month non-stop? Would you like to hear the Beatles Day in the Life as an all-instrumental version in every mall? How about Billy Jean done by the cast of Duck Dynasty? And these are actually good songs. Instead we get to listen to:
The 12 Days of Christmas: A twelve-verse hymn consisting of a lover gifting his beloved with wildly inappropriate items such as farm animals, overly expensive jewelry for every finger, and apparently slaves. I don’t care who you are, if you love me please do not gift me with maids-a-milking. I do not need that much cow juice, I have nowhere to put the accompanying cows, and owning another person has been illegal since the Civil War.
No one knows all the words to this song, and no one wants to hear this song all the way through. It should be permanently banned and used only for torturing terrorists. If you think about it, there is nothing even remotely Christmas-y about this song except that the writer wants to inform you that the obsessive stalker is using this particular holiday as the cover for his psychotic behavior.
Baby It’s Cold Outside: This is a more recent addition to the songbook, after people started looking frantically for years in desperation for a new Christmas song that is halfway decent. “Decent” is probably the worst word to use to describe this song.
All one has to do is read the lyrics in order to see that this song is about a man trying to use every means at his disposal to get this somewhat unfamiliar girl to stay with him overnight, including: giving her a spiked drink, bribing her with cigarettes, frantically changing the subject, flattering her, and indirectly threatening her life. If a man talked like this to your daughter, there would probably be a homicide. And we listen to this on the Christian music station. Also, this song doesn’t mention Christmas even once.
We Wish you a Merry Christmas: This song does get bonus points for mentioning Christmas—over and over and over again. Essentially, that is all the song points out, at first. The bulk of the song is just “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.” It is a festive sentiment, meant to evoke the idea of some carolers coming door-to-door singing.
But once the listener opens the door, we realize that this is actually a home invasion robbery. The second verse demands, now that we are successfully inside, that you bring us plenty of food (and everyone knows how much we love figgy pudding) or else we will trash the place.–Ryan